Not every day is a good day
I give in to this truth
There’s something wayward.
It’s hard to pin point.
From all the information I have consumed in my time it makes sense that the thing that’s off is the fact that the ‘work’ isn’t being done.
The thing is, there are days when the work will not feel like it’s being done, even if it is. On these days, I struggle to note what is there to keep me upright and stable.
For the longest time, I have relied upon my mission as the very thing that will enable me to manage myself effectively and properly through life.
I’ll be able to do the small talk, not too much where I feel I am being needy and intrusive, nor too little, being a ‘yes man’, an absolute listener to the person I’m communicating with because I need to make sure this interaction goes ok.
No, none of that. Just in the middle. The sweet spot. Where I am being a good conversationalist. Achieving this point on the spectrum is increasingly easier when I have my eyes set on my mission. Why? Probably because I care less. And people like it when they’re not the victim of your passionate rant and are instead just a little nod to your day.
There are days, however, when I feel ashamed, down, a pensive wave of melancholy. This is how it may seem to others whereas I, on some level, believe this calm aura is a birthright and a baseline for all people. It’s just in the UK, we deem ourselves ‘Happy Enough’ when we’re living on the high from a recent workout or forcing a fierce smile due to the caffeine we have consumed.
Recently, I have questioned this comfortable state I find myself in.
There probably is a job out there that works extremely well for someone of this nature. A job for someone who finds himself being the most creative and most genuine when he allows himself to sink into this state.
But recently, I have found myself stepping into new states; still, with the constant anchor of a third person perspective observing my every move.
Entering these new states is uncomfortable but when did I start to believe that being uncomfortable was a bad thing? Getting out of my comfort zone may be the very thing I need to step towards a life that feels more aligned.
Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.
- Alexis Carrel
Roger that, Alexis.
I’m trying to sculpt myself in some way, but does the price have to be relinquishing all that comes natural to me? Because if it is, I am not sure if it’s worth it.
My kindness, gentleness, my ability to listen to every word means I am in no position to communicate like the rest of ya’ll. But utilising these natural traits is where I feel most effective, or is it where I feel most comfortable? This has been a thought of mine recently.
I am friends with some people where it feels like I have to force myself to project a sequence of words just to fit their narrative. The alternative? Me being an anomaly and actually saying what I mean and meaning what I say. Trusting myself. I think doing this over and over again means it will only get easier. But it seems to be a task that is virtually impossible. If I miss the split second where the impulse arises to speak up or say something, I notice it and any speech after that will feel calculated and tactical.
Now guys, that little ramble is where I’m at right now. And to ensure I don’t stay here for too long, I find it beneficial to write it down so there you are!
I’m going to do some yoga. My body needs it and so do I.
Thank you for reading. Let me know your thoughts.
I’ll catch you soon.
Byeeeeee x
Love Jack x